52 hours of labor, two days in the hospital, and the first two days at home were the hardest days of my life. Will and I thought that this baby thing was pretty much the worst idea any two people could have. Still, everything in me wanted nothing more than for this baby to live and ultimately to thrive. Just as in labor, all I could do was try my absolute hardest, even as it so often seemed to fall far short of meeting our most basic needs. It was just bare survival. Luckily I could give everything to my biologically given task--feeding--and Will did everything else. He is amazing. I owe him my life, our lives. But, then again, I already knew that.
The past 24 hours have been wonderful and even afforded much pleasure. We have figured out a kind of triage system of care and there has been no hysteria on Emmett's part... for 24 whole hours. We had our first substantial outing today. We walked Emmie to the park in the carrier, sat at a picnic table and dog-watched, and had a lovely visitor this afternoon (thanks, C-dog). (I walked 40 minutes!!! My second time outside the house since going to the hospital on Monday at 5 a.m.)
Will's sister Carrie arrived at the beginning of said 24 hours, which is auspicious. She may have some magical baby soothing pheromones that we will be forced to extract from her and bottle.
Thanks are owed to the government of Quebec. Seriously. They sent a nurse to our house two days in a row to help me feed. Another will come Tuesday and spend the morning with me. I never thought I would want The State involved with my boobs, but it has been sanity preserving. Merci mille fois!
1 comment:
I understand completely about the deep anxiety and second-and-third guessing that sets in when you first arrive home with the baby. I felt exactly the same way. You just feel like these little creatures should be taken care of by medical professionals, not you and your partner. It's great that there are nurses near at hand to help with the feeding--nursing was very hard for Noël and we ended up using lactation consultants. They're a lifesaver. "Bare" or "mere" survival is a good standard for these first couple of weeks and months--all three of you coming out alive is all that is required. The joy and pleasure will come and increase day after day until, one day, six months or so from now, you'll look back on these days and hardly be able to remember that Emmett was ever that small and things that difficult. In some ways, it can be extremely liberating to have to experience the reduction to essential being that comes with having a baby--to come to a point where pushing a stroller, sitting in a park in sunshine and watching a dog run by seems like the most luminous moment you've ever experienced. Our love to all of you in these early days
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