Sleeplessness, Or Freud vs. Spinoza

Before Emmett was born Will and I were both very attracted to elements of "attachment parenting." Although we both found Dr. Sears moralizing and annoying (I could write a several posts on his orientalist and essentialist tendencies), we rejected the common wisdom that babies need to be "self-soothing" and increasingly independent. We liked the idea of carrying the baby (in part for the convenience on public transportation and to avoid the purchasing of a sleek $1,000 stroller), sleeping with him (maximum cuddle time), and breastfeeding (cheap and good for 'ya). Slowly, Emmett has militated against many of the things we were eager to do as parents. He has intermittently rejected breastfeeding since day 1. Sometimes it is the only thing that makes him happy, but generally it is his least preferred way to eat, and sometimes is experienced as torture. He still loves to be carried sometimes (esp. in the controversial facing-out position), but the stroller is unalloyed bliss and now an indispensable feeding and napping tool. The biggest challenge we face as parents now is frequent night wakings on top of sometimes relentless fussiness in the day time. A good night means that Emmers wakes up 2-3 times. For almost two weeks recently, however, he woke 6-10 times per night. During this period, he also refused to be put down during the day, cried and fussed most of the time, and had the attention span of a coked-up puppy. When he saw strangers, he melted down in tears. So, we got to the point where we had to think hard about sleep. Nights were intolerable and the fussy days were a tremendous problem on almost no sleep. The whole family trinity was crying more.

Sleep philosophies, however, remain a kind of battleground of ideology. Those who promote "self-soothing" and training your infant to put her- or himself to sleep on his or her own cite psychoanalysts as authorities. I know Freudianism enough to know that the moral paradigm remains the independent, rational individual. Thus, "self-soothing" becomes a kind of moral imperative if you believe that parenting is about creating (bourgeois) individuals, beings who see themselves as fundamentally separate from others. I acknowledge that it is important to develop a sense of self-in-relation, which requires a grasp of one's individuation (always in process, of course). I find it is important to see relationships as relationships in order to avoid either a fully narcissistic or self-annihilating subjectivity (okay, I am not totally anti-psychoanlytic). In other words, I don't want Emmett to be blind to his own needs/desires or to those of others. Still, I don't think morality--and therefore parenting--requires becoming a self-policing individual. Still, Emmett won't sleep. What do we do? Do we implement practices advocated by the promoters of "self-soothing"?

We are reading one of the ostensible extremists, Dr. Weissbluth. I say "ostensible" b/c his book is horribly written and sometimes just confused. He is extreme in that he advocates the "extinction" method of sleep training--just ignore the baby's screams until he falls asleep. At times, he argues that parents "deprive their children of the skill of putting themselves to sleep" by comforting them and soothing them to sleep. Yet, when read more closely, his thesis is rather simple: babies (and children and parents) need sleep in order to be happy and healthy. the amount of sleep is also measurable. It is not a mysterious quantity. I am receptive to this. Emmett is clearly much crankier in the day after a night of collective torment. If sleeping with your baby, nursing her or him to sleep, and comforting him when he wakes works--as he claims it does for at least 80% of babies--then great. It is not necessary to train them to sleep through the "extinction" of parental comforting and attention. But some babies, especially "extremely fussy or colicky" ones, develop serious sleeping problems that can only be "cured" through a withdrawal of parent on-call comforting throughout night. Thus, for babies that have a very hard time with sleep, *sometimes* more (forced) self-regulation and less other-regulation is the answer, according to Dr. W.

Well, we read this and cried when reading the description of those rare, "extremely fussy" babies. We are among the unlucky few. We cried b/c our struggle was acknowledged, it seemed like the co-sleeping we (sometimes) love might be contributing to our struggle, and we were really, really tired. At the same time, Emmett got sick and suddenly started sleeping more for the past few days. We are going to start enforcing more sleep. We are encouraging him to take 2-3 naps and trying to institute an earlier bedtime. We would like to do this through soothing him to sleep rather than extinguishing parental attention and leaving him to cry. We will see how it goes... so far has been good. The open question: Can we get sleep and have a parenting style that encourages relational subjectivity?

In the meantime, he is growing and loves to roll over, esp. when naked.

He warms to objects and their feel

Early on, I was fond of saying that Emmett was demonstrating Aristotle's De Anima--first, barely more than a nutritive soul, then the clear addition of a sensitive soul. Now Heidegger has, if not displaced, at least supplemented Aristotle as the philosopher I think of. Emmett has discovered things ready-to-hand. Admittedly, in Heidegger's account, the tool in use disappears into its functionality. Maybe this is true for Emmett, too--maybe he's just trying to do things. But, if so, the functions guiding his manipulations are, let's say, obscure. But he has a very clear affinity for certain things, and the affinity expresses itself in assertive, even manic manhandling. If he likes something, he needs desperately to get his hands on it, and he will lunge and flail well beyond his ability to actually move in the direction of his favorite things.

His favorite things (aside from toys, that is) include:
His bouncy chair (I have no idea what he's trying to do with it when he grabs it, but...)
Our Brita pitcher (yeah, this one's a bit odd)
Books and sheets of paper (such a good little nerdling)
Keyboards

In fact, Emmett's attraction to this last item has inspired me to let him try his hand at blogging for the first time. So , without further ado, here's Emmett, in his own, not words, but letters:

;./,on.o.p ,v uo mc mmklop s jm bkmn vdsmfmzdf,

Red Diaper Baby

Thanks Jason!

Size Matters

Emmett had his 4 month appointment yesterday. The night before the visit, I dreamed that we had a very fat girl baby with wild hair. I was embarrassed by how she looked. Obviously this dream reflected anxiety about how I appear by virtue of the baby (who has wild hair?). Despite the fact that babies cannot be too fat, I have internalized cultural anxieties about size. The first thing EVERYONE says when they see him is that he is so big and looks to be much older than he is. Indeed, in mum n' baby yoga, he is bigger than older babies. I spent the end of the pregnancy constantly worrying about how big I was, but, of course, rationally I know that his size is a good sign, an indication of thriving. Also, I think he is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. So the anxiety is largely a subconscious one, erupting in dreams, and reflected in my fear that we overfeed him. He eats much more than the baby books say to expect. It is not uncommon for him to consume 40 oz. of breast milk in 24 hours (though he also spits up about 20 times per day). Luckily, I am making more than he eats every day (thanks to Fenugreek)! Anyway, here are the stats for our big, beautiful bear.
Length: just shy of 69 cm/ 17 inches (97th%)
Weight: 7.8 k/ 17 pounds (90th%) (but 50th% for his height... though I can't imagine his thighs being any bigger!)
Head: 44.4 cm/ 17 in (90th%)

Growing Baby

The baby keeps getting bigger and bigger. I know that statement is incredibly banal. It reminds me of that excellent line from Juno that went something like, I learned in health class that pregnancy can often lead to a baby. We have had some very difficult nights sleep-wise these days. But it is totally unpredictable: last night he slept for 6 hours; a few nights ago he slept about 2 1/2 and then proceeded to wake every 60-90 minutes. Maybe it is a "poussée de croissance," or a famous growth spurt. Though I fear that, whenever things suck, the default explanation is growth spurt. Then again, maybe it is default for a reason, since, as I noted, he is growing. I have to relieve Will right now. He wants to write an article and I tend to blog and watch "True Blood" these days in my free time. I have started to return to the intellectual labor, too, these days, merci de le bébé sitter!

Still Trying

to get non-blurry smile pics. These are mostly out of focus.

Three Months

Emmett is becoming more fun to spend time with every day. He may not breastfeed, sleep through the night, or keep his food down, but all can be forgotten when he wakes up smiling. He loves being an airplane, playing in the jumperoo and (sometimes) his floor gym. He is very keen on exercising his new powers. He wants to lift his head during tummy time, try to stand, and grab onto things and put them in his mouth. He also seems to get cuter every day.